Tracy Emin, A Fortnight of Tears 2019
Chronic Illness; Grief & Disruption
There's just so many losses and they compound and they change and grow over time. - Emily Bazalgette
The experience of chronic illness is wrapped up in a sense of loss. Loss of ability, loss of relationships, loss of identity, of control and spontaneity etc. It turns out Chronic Illness Grief is actually its own thing, it’s a relatively new term. I was first introduced to it via an online blog, GriefSick, run by Emily Bazalgette, a chronic illness advocate, herself a sufferer of ME/CFS. She talks about her own experience of the grief that comes with chronic illness:
‘It's not bereavement, it's not climate grief, so what is it?… Francis Weller teaches and practises grief tending, He says that chronically ill people live in the “territory of erosion”, a beautiful phrase, which is basically constant loss and constant readjustment, like the geological foundations are always shifting, always shrinking. It is always changing and there's always new losses that are emerging’ (Bazalgette, 2023)
This first got me thinking about grief just being a constant part of my existence. When developing my show I knew that I wanted this experience to be present on stage. This is where the ‘Funeral’ section of my show came from:
There are rows of guests – all the people I never got to shag have come to pay their respects. All the orgasms I haven’t had sit in a neat row, shaking hands and introducing themselves to each other. And the holidays I missed, the birthdays, the casual dinners and the after-parties... (p.20)
Journal Entry (1) - Erosion
11.07.2024
I don’t want to forget all of the pieces of myself that have been eroded to dust. Sometimes it takes all my energy to hold onto a particular piece that I’m determined not to lose. Other pieces are then neglected and start to come loose, and I panic, clenching and contorting and compromising myself, desperately trying to hold them all together. Ultimately this doesn’t stop them from falling. I’m constantly learning and relearning how to let them go. I’m learning to observe the process of erosion and to let whatever needs to fall, fall.
Let's play Availability Roulette!
‘To live with illness is to live with uncertainty. To live with illness is to live with disruption. The only certainty is that disruption will come. All planning must circle contingency' (Atkin, 2023).
This uncertainty inspired scene 3, an absurd gameshow addressing whether or not I will be well enough to attend a party in two weeks time. As Emily Bazalgette states, when you have chronic illness or fatigue; ‘the day is never about the day, it’s about what happened yesterday, two days ago, what you were doing a week ago’ (Bazalgette, 2023). I wanted to communicate the impossibility of making future plans and sticking to them and how it can feel as though the cards are stacked against me. This thought inspired me to start thinking about games.
I first tried to develop a flowchart to explain all of the obstacles that stood between me and any plans made in the future. It quickly became clear that making an accurate flow chart was completely impossible because of the unpredictability of the fluctuations in my health. At this point I had the idea to create a gameshow. I was somewhat inspired by the interviews featured in the Hunger Games that have such a forced and almost robotic sense of positive energy despite the cruelty of the situation:
Gameshow Host: You’ve been granted access to a new painkiller and your GP managed to submit your prescription to the correct pharmacy!!!!!! It’s a miracle! (party blower noise) +10%!
Gameshow Host: Oh wait – what’s this I’m hearing … uh oh – unfortunately the side effects of the new experimental pain killer have made you too nauseous to eat or even speak! -20% - meaning you average out at minus 10%.
Anna: Fuck FUCK ok another card do another card
Gameshow Host: Ouuuchhh – you mixed up your pills and accidentally swallowed a vaginal pessary – fun fact! All mainline Canesten suppositories contain boric acid - an effective poison often used to kill rats! off you pop to A & E -30%
(p.11).
This is a finished audio version of the entire availability Roulette scene. Have a listen!
Journal Entry (2)
22.07.2024
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We don’t do shit impulsively. We can’t. The idea of getting ‘caught up in the moment’ is so alien. There’s so much planning behind everything. We are stronger willed than you. Self control feels like an understatement. This doesn’t mean we don’t really fucking want things. We burn for the things we’ve lost or are in the process of losing. The rest of the world is hurtling forwards all the time. Sometimes we just watch from a safe distance. Sometimes we have to look away.